The tap goes off when I brush my teeth
My children’s bath is one inch deep
Our dishwasher stays off till it’s overflowing
The ideal shower time’s just four minutes
Well my showers four *seconds* is the limit
Is that really true Helen?
With social distancing there’s no way of knowing

I’m obsessed with eco schemes
Because life is better with *live* streams.
There’s just one thing to spoil it
And it happens every time I use a toilet...

So if I can’t cut down on water that’s flushed
My eco status will be totally crushed
But here’s the good news
On every modern bathroom loo
There’s not *one* button, there are *two*

A short flush for a golden stream
A long flush for, how can I put this? More to clean
But which to choose?
There are no clues
And that’s when I realise…

Oh my god I don’t know how to flush a toilet
This decision is taking so long
I’ve been standing by this toilet for a couple of weeks
And I know I’ll still get it wrong
I’m praying right now to all that’s holy
Just label one button with a poop emoji
Oh my god I don’t know how to flush a toilet at all

Please, if you’re in charge of toilet design
Be a friend the earth, and send us a sign
Cos if you can’t fix this complication
I’m going to get a serious urinary tract infection

Cos I won’t go
If I don’t know
This dual flush
Turned my brain into mush
No I can’t go
If I don’t know
How to flush a toilet at all

Alright I’ll just press both of them!