Voice of an Angle EP

by Helen Arney

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    A mini collection of songs about science, including a hip-hop remix of the sexy-yet-scientifically-accurate hit "Animals", cryogenic love song "You & Me & Walt Disney", and "The Sun Has Got His Huff On" as heard on BBC Radio 4's Infinite Monkey Cage.
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Watch a video for You & Me & Walt Disney video by Happy Toast here:

Watch a solo version of Animals live here:

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released December 1, 2011

Animals produced by Mr Simmonds, featuring Professor Elemental.
Laboratory Christmas Party co-written with Paul Richards
You & Me & Walt Disney produced by Olly the Octopus

All other tracks written and performed by Helen Arney.


all rights reserved



Helen Arney London, UK

"Geek Songstress" Helen Arney is the UK's finest purveyor of comedy songs with a scientifically verified twist.

"Champion of musical whims" Evening Standard
One of Dave TV's "Top 10 stand-ups to see in 2011"
**** ”Harnesses the spirit of Ben Folds & the Divine Comedy’s Neil Hannon… delightful” (Chortle)

Also one third of Festival of the Spoken Nerd and author of "The Element In The Room"
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Track Name: Helen Arney (feat. Professor Elemental) - Animals
LYRICS by Helen Arney & Professor Elemental

I’ve been watching your behaviour
And I think you’re in the mood
So if you’re lonely, well I’m here to save ya
Let’s get out of here and get us a room

Let’s make love like animals
I think you know what I’m talking about
Let’s make love exactly like other animals
Get your zoology textbook out

Lets make love like rabbits, a hundred times a week
Let’s make love like hedgehogs – you know – carefully
Let’s make love like salmon living in fresh water
You do it in the bath I’ll come and pick it up later

Let’s make love like animals (like dogs, doggiestyle)
It’s been happening since the stone age (like cats – also doggiestyle)
Let’s make love exactly like other animals (but mostly dogs)
Open up that Wikipedia page

Let’s make love like Angler Fish, yeah
It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it
You use your highly developed olfactory sense to swim towards me for several days
And then you bite me
That releases an enzyme that then dissolved your skin & your flesh & your… fins…
Leaving only a pair of genitals attached to the side of my body
For me to use
When it’s convenient.

I’ve been waiting to find someone so animalistic
Misunderstood just because I like badgers and whippets
And seagulls and snails, who incidentally fire love darts
Well I’ve brought some chocolates
If you like them I’ll dance like a squid
Or croon like a humpback whale
Let’s make passionate love, a beast with two tails
Or a porcupine – I’ll spray you with wee and if you don’t scream we’ll get to it
Actually, skip that one, let’s not do it
Let’s get it on like pygmy chimpanzees
You know – constantly
Not rest until we’ve done some things that even seem odd to me
I am the man to put the “ooh” in “zoology”
You can be my queen I’m the drone in our colony
But let’s leave the metaphor there because as everybody knows
When a gentleman bee is done his genitals explode
Oh no, I’ve said too much, now I’m alone, confused, waiting
Like a self-cloning lizard, too much pseudo-copulation

Let’s make love like animals, yeah (like squirrels in heat)
It’s like a biology GCSE – but sexy (I’ve done my naughty coursework)
I know what will get you in the mood to love like an animal (yes?)
I’ll get out my David Attenborough DVDs, yeah (mmmm, David)
So we’re sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea (oh, god yes)
This is not getting us anywhere
I’ve never seen a praying mantis in HD
God, did you see what she did afterwards, she ripped his head off and ate it! Dear god…
Do you wanna?
I guess we’ll end up being the same animals we’ve always been.
Track Name: The Sun has got his Huff on
LYRICS - The Sun has got his Huff on

I used to be someone
Now I’m just another sun
One of a hundred thousand billion

You treat me insignificantly
Name a tabloid after me
Synonymous with paparazzi
Just a backdrop for Brian Cox on TV

Since Edwin Hubble it’s never been the same
Those pictures of other stars pushed me out the frame
You never even gave me a proper name, like
Alpha Centauri, Epsilon Tauri
Delta Librae, HR 2948
Or Kevin

You’ve achieved nuclear fusion – oh well done!
Made some helium from a little hydrogen
Well every second I do that to 600 million tons
If I was Marilyn Monroe you’d be… Stacy Solomon

You should have stopped at Copernicus
With me at the centre of your universe
You say I’m just an average ball of gas
I say you’re talking out of Uranus

1.4 million kilometres
That’s my diameter
Tell me seriously with those parameters
Have you ever tried to put a hat on there?
Hip hip hip hooray
I’ll be a red giant one day
You earth will go up in flames
But in the meantime please join my facebook fanpage
Track Name: Erwin's Other Animals
LYRICS - Erwin's Other Animals

Erwin Schrodinger, physicist and lover
Famous for imagining a half dead cat
This cat was in his mind, but he left a trail behind
Of all the other animals that he got at

Young Erwin took his sister’s hamster and he put it in a box
Taped it up carefully and wrote “Schrodinger’s Hamster” on the top
He tiptoed out of their front door
And threw it off the 18th floor
Now we don’t let little Erwin near the cat

Erwin took his school’s white mice and put them in a ziplock bag
Hid them in the canteen freezer, behind the Turkey Twizzler packs
He came back for them at half past five
But they’d already been served up in a pie
Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat

Now you know his evil ways, would you still give him the Nobel prize?
Erwin Rudolf Schrodinger, serial pet murderer
If you see him near a stray dog, call the RSPCA but
Don’t let little Erwin near the cat
Track Name: Laboratory Christmas Party
LYRICS - Laboratory Christmas Party

This time last year
At the laboratory Christmas party, down the Wetherspoons, I gave you my heart
But it’s not like that song by Wham, no ma’am, I promise
You could have given it away, the very next day
And I wouldn’t mind
You could have sneaked into my chest, made a cardiac arrest
That would be fine

It’s been a year
And I’m still working here, even though I said I wouldn’t be, and my crush on you is crushing me
And like the coke machine in the canteen, I’m empty inside
Last week I asked to borrow a test tube
Just to feel your hand in mine
Tonight I’ll stop this charade, ask you to dance with me to Slade,
And hope you’ll say... “Fine”

And now the party’s here
We’re standing with our beers by the pool table, and you’re holding hands with our manager Steve even though your facebook status says that you’re single
Why does the internet always lie?
You’ve been given a promotion
You don’t want my drink tokens
I think my heart is broken
I wish I had never spoken to you
At last year’s laboratory Christmas party
Track Name: You and Me and Walt Disney
LYRICS - You & Me & Walt Disney - Helen Arney

Darling, it’'s our wedding anniversary next week
My gift for you is carefully chosen
It’'s perfect for the couple who have everything
I’'m getting us both cryogenically frozen

So it's You and Me and Walt Disney
Dancing and singing in the 25th century
Living the future
Held together by sutures
Ice cubes forming in our brains
Industrial antifreeze running through our veins

Now I'’ve looked into this quite carefully
It turns out there'’s a lot of contradiction
“"Disney on Ice”" isn'’t literal
And that episode of Doctor Who was fiction

So it’'s You and Me but no Walt Disney
Just some baseball players and 70s hippies
Don’'t shake their hands
You’'ll get more than you planned
And please stop flirting with your great great great great great great great...
...great great great great great granddaughter’'s friend

Just want to please you
Just want to freeze you

You don'’t seem too overjoyed, my love
But it’'s too late to get a refund
And the truth is I never liked your body much
So I’ have only paid to get your head done

Don’'t have a seizure
It'’s just a freezer

It’'s you and me, in the 305th century
I’'ll keep your brain in a mechanical jar-on-wheels
First cryonic
Then bionic
And we will be together
Though our skin will be like leather
But at least we'’ll be together again

Darling don’'t complain
It’'s just liquid Nitrogen

Some people say I’'ve got more money than sense
The truth is that I have neither
I bought a package from some cutprice cowboys in Russia
Who didn't build a door for your freezer

You'’re so lovely
But your brain is slush puppy

So it'’s just me at minus 200 degrees
I’'m waiting for the 35th century
I have no regrets
Except not wearing a vest
And maybe I should just have bought you that
Discount home cremation kit instead

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