Voice of an Angle EP

by Helen Arney

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    A mini collection of songs about science, including a hip-hop remix of the sexy-yet-scientifically-accurate hit "Animals", cryogenic love song "You & Me & Walt Disney", and "The Sun Has Got His Huff On" as heard on BBC Radio 4's Infinite Monkey Cage. Pay what you want for everything!
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1.
Animals 04:01
LYRICS by Helen Arney & Professor Elemental I’ve been watching your behaviour And I think you’re in the mood So if you’re lonely, well I’m here to save ya Let’s get out of here and get us a room Let’s make love like animals I think you know what I’m talking about Let’s make love exactly like other animals Get your zoology textbook out Lets make love like rabbits, a hundred times a week Let’s make love like hedgehogs – you know – carefully Let’s make love like salmon living in fresh water You do it in the bath I’ll come and pick it up later Let’s make love like animals (like dogs, doggiestyle) It’s been happening since the stone age (like cats – also doggiestyle) Let’s make love exactly like other animals (but mostly dogs) Open up that Wikipedia page Let’s make love like Angler Fish, yeah It’s kind of complicated but it’s worth it You use your highly developed olfactory sense to swim towards me for several days And then you bite me That releases an enzyme that then dissolved your skin & your flesh & your… fins… Leaving only a pair of genitals attached to the side of my body For me to use When it’s convenient. I’ve been waiting to find someone so animalistic Misunderstood just because I like badgers and whippets And seagulls and snails, who incidentally fire love darts Well I’ve brought some chocolates If you like them I’ll dance like a squid Or croon like a humpback whale Let’s make passionate love, a beast with two tails Or a porcupine – I’ll spray you with wee and if you don’t scream we’ll get to it Actually, skip that one, let’s not do it Let’s get it on like pygmy chimpanzees You know – constantly Not rest until we’ve done some things that even seem odd to me I am the man to put the “ooh” in “zoology” You can be my queen I’m the drone in our colony But let’s leave the metaphor there because as everybody knows When a gentleman bee is done his genitals explode Oh no, I’ve said too much, now I’m alone, confused, waiting Like a self-cloning lizard, too much pseudo-copulation Let’s make love like animals, yeah (like squirrels in heat) It’s like a biology GCSE – but sexy (I’ve done my naughty coursework) I know what will get you in the mood to love like an animal (yes?) I’ll get out my David Attenborough DVDs, yeah (mmmm, David) So we’re sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea (oh, god yes) This is not getting us anywhere I’ve never seen a praying mantis in HD God, did you see what she did afterwards, she ripped his head off and ate it! Dear god… Do you wanna? No No No I guess we’ll end up being the same animals we’ve always been. Pandas.
2.
LYRICS - The Sun has got his Huff on I used to be someone Now I’m just another sun One of a hundred thousand billion Billion You treat me insignificantly Name a tabloid after me Synonymous with paparazzi Just a backdrop for Brian Cox on TV Since Edwin Hubble it’s never been the same Those pictures of other stars pushed me out the frame You never even gave me a proper name, like Alpha Centauri, Epsilon Tauri Delta Librae, HR 2948 Or Kevin You’ve achieved nuclear fusion – oh well done! Made some helium from a little hydrogen Well every second I do that to 600 million tons If I was Marilyn Monroe you’d be… Stacy Solomon You should have stopped at Copernicus With me at the centre of your universe You say I’m just an average ball of gas I say you’re talking out of Uranus 1.4 million kilometres That’s my diameter Tell me seriously with those parameters Have you ever tried to put a hat on there? Hip hip hip hooray I’ll be a red giant one day You earth will go up in flames But in the meantime please join my facebook fanpage
3.
LYRICS - Erwin's Other Animals Erwin Schrodinger, physicist and lover Famous for imagining a half dead cat This cat was in his mind, but he left a trail behind Of all the other animals that he got at Young Erwin took his sister’s hamster and he put it in a box Taped it up carefully and wrote “Schrodinger’s Hamster” on the top He tiptoed out of their front door And threw it off the 18th floor Now we don’t let little Erwin near the cat Erwin took his school’s white mice and put them in a ziplock bag Hid them in the canteen freezer, behind the Turkey Twizzler packs He came back for them at half past five But they’d already been served up in a pie Now we won’t let little Erwin near the cat Now you know his evil ways, would you still give him the Nobel prize? Erwin Rudolf Schrodinger, serial pet murderer If you see him near a stray dog, call the RSPCA but Don’t let little Erwin near the cat
4.
LYRICS - Laboratory Christmas Party This time last year At the laboratory Christmas party, down the Wetherspoons, I gave you my heart But it’s not like that song by Wham, no ma’am, I promise You could have given it away, the very next day And I wouldn’t mind You could have sneaked into my chest, made a cardiac arrest That would be fine It’s been a year And I’m still working here, even though I said I wouldn’t be, and my crush on you is crushing me And like the coke machine in the canteen, I’m empty inside Last week I asked to borrow a test tube Just to feel your hand in mine Tonight I’ll stop this charade, ask you to dance with me to Slade, And hope you’ll say... “Fine” And now the party’s here We’re standing with our beers by the pool table, and you’re holding hands with our manager Steve even though your facebook status says that you’re single Why does the internet always lie? You’ve been given a promotion You don’t want my drink tokens I think my heart is broken I wish I had never spoken to you At last year’s laboratory Christmas party
5.
LYRICS - You & Me & Walt Disney - Helen Arney Darling, it’'s our wedding anniversary next week My gift for you is carefully chosen It’'s perfect for the couple who have everything I’'m getting us both cryogenically frozen So it's You and Me and Walt Disney Dancing and singing in the 25th century Living the future Held together by sutures Ice cubes forming in our brains Industrial antifreeze running through our veins Now I'’ve looked into this quite carefully It turns out there'’s a lot of contradiction “"Disney on Ice”" isn'’t literal And that episode of Doctor Who was fiction So it’'s You and Me but no Walt Disney Just some baseball players and 70s hippies Don’'t shake their hands You’'ll get more than you planned And please stop flirting with your great great great great great great great... ...great great great great great granddaughter’'s friend Just want to please you Just want to freeze you You don'’t seem too overjoyed, my love But it’'s too late to get a refund And the truth is I never liked your body much So I’ have only paid to get your head done Don’'t have a seizure It'’s just a freezer It’'s you and me, in the 305th century I’'ll keep your brain in a mechanical jar-on-wheels First cryonic Then bionic And we will be together Though our skin will be like leather But at least we'’ll be together again Darling don’'t complain It’'s just liquid Nitrogen Some people say I’'ve got more money than sense The truth is that I have neither I bought a package from some cutprice cowboys in Russia Who didn't build a door for your freezer You'’re so lovely But your brain is slush puppy So it'’s just me at minus 200 degrees I’'m waiting for the 35th century I have no regrets Except not wearing a vest And maybe I should just have bought you that Discount home cremation kit instead

about

A mini collection of songs about science, including a hip-hop remix of the sexy-yet-scientifically-accurate hit "Animals", cryogenic love song "You & Me & Walt Disney", and "The Sun Has Got His Huff On" as heard on BBC Radio 4's Infinite Monkey Cage.

Pay what you want to download.

Several of these songs have been filmed live on stage with Festival of the Spoken Nerd, you can get those DVDs and downloads from my Merch page, or from here:
shop.festivalofthespokennerd.com

Watch a video for You & Me & Walt Disney video by Happy Toast here:
youtube.com/watch?v=iwxuSKWlLJU

Watch a solo version of Animals live here:
youtu.be/At8L94aAoc0

Get several of these songs - and others - to play along with in my PDF songbook, available here:
helenarney.bandcamp.com/album/helen-arney-pdf-songbook

More about Helen:
helenarney.com

Upcoming gigs here:
helenarney.com/live-dates

Join my mailing list:
helenarney.com/mailing-list

Twitter:
twitter.com/helenarney

Facebook:
facebook.com/HelenArneyComedy

credits

released December 1, 2011

Animals produced by Mr Simmonds, featuring Professor Elemental.
Laboratory Christmas Party co-written with Paul Richards
You & Me & Walt Disney produced by Olly the Octopus

All other tracks written and performed by Helen Arney.

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about

Helen Arney London, UK

"Geek Songstress" Helen Arney is the UK's finest purveyor of comedy songs with a scientifically verified twist.

"Champion of musical whims" Evening Standard
**** ”Harnesses the spirit of Ben Folds & the Divine Comedy’s Neil Hannon… delightful” (Chortle)

Also one third of Festival of the Spoken Nerd and author of "The Element In The Room"
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