LYRICS - Christmas Dinner Microwave Meal for One

Jeremy Green wakes up with the sun, Christmas day has come
His wife is nowhere to be seen, she must be out in the conservatory
His head hurts like hell but can’t remember why, so he carefully
Places silk pajama-ed feet on golden carpet with a 1-inch pile
What a perfect life
What a perfect wife
What a perfect Christmas

Walks through the hall to their fabulous kitchen, modelled on a magazine feature
Years of overtime, he’s paid his dues, to keep his wife in shoes
Past the bathroom, marble sinks, gold taps, designer curtains
Makes a New Years resolution to be sure to get that shower working
He’s been trying to fix it
Since 2006 but
Then reality hits, and

It all comes flooding back to him
Christmas eve, working late again
By the empty bottle he sees the note and then
Reads the words his beloved wrote – it said:

“Dear Jeremy
I’ve met someone
His name is Bond, James Bond
He’s a plumber from Basildon
He’s my very own Basildon Bond
He can give me what I need
His power shower brings me to my knees.
But I haven’t left you alone
Over there by the stove
For Christmas day on your own”

Slice of turkey in a bag
Roast potatoes looking equally sad
Brussell sprouts, but not enough for two
Chestnut stuffing in there too

She was his reason
He did everything for her but now she’s gone
His soul won’t be restored with a
Christmas Dinner microwave meal for one

Head spinning, his heart exploding,
Thinks he can’t go on, stumbles, weeping through the house but then,
Sees the Christmas card, from them
The family he said he’d never see again – and thinks:

Shove your turkey in a bag
Lonely potatoes won’t be making me sad
Flush those Brussels down the loo
Stuff your stuffing, yeah stuff you

His sister’s family, they all love him but they’re really quite bizarre
Hopes they won’t be weird
’94 was a flop
They had to call in the cops
It was a bit of a shock, but…

Jumps in his silver coupe
Registration JE22A
Windows down pumping Wizzard and Slade
Change the ending to this Christmas day

Dashing through the snow
In his 240 horse power open-topped Ferrari sleigh
Watch uncle Jerry go
To his family’s lair
No microwave there
Just people to share
Their family meal plus one

Head full of Christmas tunes he’s humming
(Let’s hope no-one mentions plumbing)